I have been struggling with some serious personal issues and have held back sharing the reality of my life for quite some time. Unfortunately my inner strength is on its last legs and it has become nearly impossible to continue putting on a happy face while dealing with the emotional chaos of my real life completely alone.
It is finally time for me to share the truth behind my smiles and ask for help.
Behind my smiles it has taken years to overcome a dysfunctional, abusive childhood.
Behind my smiles I have cut all ties with those who allowed the abuse.
Behind my smiles I have battled an eating disorder.
Behind my smiles I am a survivor of domestic violence and rape.
Behind my smiles I have beaten cancer.
Behind my smiles I live in an incredibly antisocial and xenophobic culture.
Behind my smiles I am trapped in an unhappy, emotionally abusive marriage.
Behind my smiles I am terrified about the effect all of this has on my child.
Behind my smiles I am isolated and have nowhere to go and no one to turn to for support.
Behind my smiles I am incredibly embarrassed and furious with myself for allowing this to happen.
Behind my smiles I work 7 days a week to try to create an opportunity that will lead to a better life elsewhere for myself and my daughter.
Behind my smiles I fail to earn a living wage.
Behind my smiles I am alone.
Behind my smiles I feel broken.
Behind my smiles I could really use a hug, encouragement and help.
UPDATE #1: Colour Me Loved
UPDATE #2: Blogging: Getting Personal
UPDATE #3: This Is 44
Hey Sheri, I’ve been following your blog for such a long time now and I’ve never left a comment.
But now I feel like I have to say, that you are not alone. I also had an abusive childhood, because of an alcoholic, aggressive and always drunk father. Because of that,I also had an eating disorder: first I became fat and then I just didn’t at all, because I was so big. Then, in my late teen-years, I had my first seizure and I have been diagnosed with epilepsy. Today I’m 30 years old and I have a job that makes me literally sick. But I’m still here and try to be as strong as you are.
I’ve decided it’s time to change some things in my life, first of all finding a new job.
Ditto to all the encouragement that others have shared already. I wanted to add that I grew up with an emotionally abusive father. My mother wasn’t emotionally healthy enough to even recognize it, let alone protect my brother and I. You are way ahead of her already!
You can do it Sheri. You’ve got your little one to help you keep moving forward, and each day is a new day. You know you need to get out– that’s the first step. Someday, maybe sooner than you think, you’ll be free of the toxic environment and able to start feeling like yourself again. Maybe a kickstarter to help you GTFO? if you can get as far as the UK, stop in and see me.
Oh Sheri, I am so saddened to read how much you are hurting. What a brave, strong woman and mother you are! You may not realize how much this is true. You have done the absolute best thing you can right now. You’ve reached out and asked for help and help is what you will get. You WILL get through this. You are not broken. You are so much stronger than you think you are. Any chance you’d move back to Canada? Ontario? I have been through some of what you’re experiencing. It is not easy but you will get through it. You must believe this. Saying prayers for you and your little munchkin. You deserve to be as happy as the happiness that radiates from you. Do not be ashamed. You’ve done NOTHING wrong. Please email me if you feel like talking. It must be a relief already just knowing that you’ve let it out. You have much, much support here from your readers. Don’t be afraid to reach out to any and all offers for help.
Sheri-
I almost know how awful your situation is- I was lucky enough to be able to get out before I had children. It was still hard.
What do you want to do? And what do you need to get free?
-H.
Sheri,
Where to begin? First a transatlantic cyber hug to you and munchkin. I wish I could hug you in person and buy you a drink or three. You have overcome so much already in your life and you WILL get through this. Your daughter sees a loving, amazing, incredibly strong woman and that will inspire and sustain her in her life. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Things will get better. To paraphrase a quote from pooh bear “you’re braver than you believe,stronger than you seem and smarter than you think” and my personal favorite “people say nothing is impossible but I do nothing everyday”. Think of all you have survived and build on that and look into the eyes of your sweet girl and let that carry you forward. You’ve got this.
Hugs to you all the way from Calgary, Alberta, Canada! Keep your head up. And I’m sending prayers your way.
Sheri, please know you are not alone. There are lots of us who have never met you in person, but consider you a friend. We care about you. We will hear you and help you. For many of us, your story is not unfamiliar. It is one we know. We also know that you can come through this. I think you are brave and incredibly creative. I am sending you love and positive juju from Florida.
Those of us who smile the largest often are hurting the worst. I can attest to that. But it’s never too late to seize the life you want and deserve. Seek help. Reach out. Create a support network. You are a warrior! You are the master of your’s and your child’s destiny. Dig down deep and fight! We know you can do it.
Sending love and prayers across the ocean, dear Sheri . . .
I am so very sorry to hear that you’ve been walking such a long and difficult road. You and your little one will be in my thoughts and prayers, and if I can ever help you, please let me know! I wish we could sit and share a cup of tea, but I hope you find some folks near you that you can do that with. You are loved and you are not alone!
My computer has been broken for about three weeks, I couldn’t see your blog and I really missed it. When I see it today I feel so sad. I’m so sorry that you are feeling like this, but I’m glad that you have said so. You had already touched a lot of people’s lives, and even more now. Once people start to share their stories, it’s amazing how much hell people live through, that you would never know to look at them.
You are a wonderful mother. Some of the horrible stuff that you have had to go through means that you know some of the signs. You know what to look for and you know how to react. As she goes through her own life you can protect her better than if you didn’t know.
It’s what you do consistently that matters. Specific things that she may see or hear will always be outweighed by the love that you show her every day. You respect her, you care for her needs and you constantly worry that you’re doing it all wrong – I think that’s a necessary part of being a good mum!
I’ll share something I saw on pinterest, which is really cheesy but I confess I found it a little inspirational – ‘She needed a hero, so she became one’. You have done it before and you will keep on doing it. Sometimes it’s so exhausting, you don’t believe you can. But you can. You’re doing it now.
We love you Sheri, we really care about you. Please keep talking to us.
Sheri,
i only found your blog perhaps a week ago and started following, and even “sharing” the link with friends. Those who have already left comments (below?) captured some heart-felt comments. I’d just like to add that we are attracted to that which is already in us… the creative, beautiful and fun things, as well as the dark things we need to work through. You have been very strong and brave to move through your childhood and health issues… perhaps the part of you that feels you’re ready to break is really you breaking through, your re-birth. When the pressure becomes unbearable, which sounds like now, with as much love and appreciation as you can muster, focus on things that give you peace and happiness. A flower blossom in your path is a wonder, your daughters laughter is music, the recycle projects you find are treasures, the apple you eat is nectar — every small moment you can grab and make magic, do it.
Focus on where you want to be, not where you are. Imagine the life you want to live, not the one you are living. Do not even give a thought as to how it might happen, just trust in the universe that it will. Your willingness to see another way for yourself will open doors. You will suddenly attract people and opportunities that offer you alternatives.
I was (and still am) in an emotionally vacant marriage. A few years ago, I got pregnant and married at age 45. I went from being financially independent and a social butterfly to being depressed, unemployed and on welfare. It took 3 years for me to stop feeling resentment and asking myself “how did i let this happen?”, “how did i end up here?” etc and start imagining the life I want for myself and my daughter. When I shifted my focus, within just a few months an ideal job was presented to me and suddenly, even with part-time hours, I am financially independent and can afford our lives without assistance from the govt or my husband. WoW did THIS ever change the dynamics in the relationship!! And mostly certainly gave me back my power. So with a heart full of love, and the power of all the grandmothers, i send you an almighty wind of positive energy and healing. Make sure when you stand still that you feel it 🙂 *H*U*G*S*
HUGS. You have been through a lot. You do not deserve to be in an abusive marriage. I’ll say a prayer for you for help in any way.
Sheri, I’m speechless. Sending strength and love your way.
Yes, being strong is hard work and exhausting; feel happy knowing that there are people who care (that you may never meet) and that some of us can relate to some of your struggle <3
So many women go through many of what you have been through and not many of us are brave enough to share this, nor are we brave enough to ask for help. Many of us relate and we hold you and your daughter in our hearts! So, from someone who shares many of these, Thank You for being so brave and Thank You for asking for help, even if it comes in support from here. From across the seas, please accept this hug. I’m sorry you have to go through this, you are not alone in this and your words have been heard.
Sheri, you are one brave, brave woman… Sending positive and loving vibrations to you and your beautiful daughter
So many times we forget that everyone has their own private hell that is successfully hidden away. For me, this is one of those times….I receive so much joy reading your blog, admiring your creativity, and really, “coveting” your life. I’ve done this once before to a dear friend and have always regretted how heartless I was to not realize she was in so much pain. I am sorry that I did not know how much you have been hurt and are hurting. Thank you for sharing all of your pain and heartache with all of us. You have come so very far on your own….let others help you and support you now. We are praying for you and your munchkin, for your finances and good-for-you sustaining work, for a safe and nurturing home…by the looks of the responses you could just about choose any corner of the world & be welcomed with open arms and no questions asked…that in itself will hopefully help you to keep-on-keepin-on until you find that perfect safe place for you and your daughter. You are LOVED♥️ P.S. I live in Oregon and have a spare room♥️
Sheri, behind your smiles I see a strong woman who is brilliant and lovely! Thank you for sharing a part of your life with us, and if you need an ear to listen to just send me an email 🙂 Lots of warm hugs coming your way!
Dear Sheri,
Behind your smiles, you’re the most incredibly strong woman I know.
Behind your smiles, you’re one hell of an inspiration to so many of us.
Behind your smiles is a woman, who can take on anything and still survive.
Behind your smiles, is one the bravest women I know, who’s got the courage to share her issues and ask for help.
Behind your smiles, is a woman, who’s a ROCKSTAR and a HERO.
You’ve been through an awful lot and yet you spread so many smiles to everyone around the globe.
You are not isolated, you are so loved by all of us.
You are a re-fashioning diva and you are amazingly creative. I suggest you look around within yourself and you will find a way to make an awesome living. And we are all right here for anything you may need from us. So please, never say you are so alone.
And as far as your daughter is concerned, I wouldn’t worry, because for a child who’s mother is so strong & smart, someone who is always sharing smiles despite the ups and downs in her life, that child is going to be nothing but a smarter and stronger version of her mother.
Lots & lots & lots of love to you with big bear hugs for every morning.
you are not alone and i think your blog is wonderful!! i hope your week gets better!!!
Consider yourself hugged, and know that I pray for you and your daughter.
Never be afraid to ask for help. Never. No one is capable of handling the worst times on their own. I know what it’s like to feel like every door you try to go through is locked, and how exhausting it can be to keep trying. But you are spectacularly resourceful, and you can get yourself and your daughter out of this situation.
Sheri, my thoughts and prayers to both you and your little sweetheart girl! I also lost my childhood growing up! I was able to experience a better one with my two wonderful children. I saw a better way through their eyes! Each new experience they enjoyed, I was able to enjoy with them like it was new for me too! You are stronger than you know!! You are a light in my heart everyday!
Oh my goodness, you are not alone. I too was in an abuse marriage and was able to escape. You are stronger than you know. If you can set up a fund me page to help you move, I’d be happy to contribute!!! Take care, stand strong, loving thoughts and prayers sending your way!
Been thinking of you all morning. You are not broken. You are not alone. You are not a failure. You have awesome strengths: fabulous communication skills, writing skills, design skills, problem solving skills and social consciousness. It’s hard to make a living as a refashionista in a world that values buying something over creating something unique and new, but you already know how to do alterations.That is a disappearing skill that could bring in some money for you for a while as you refashion yours and your daughter’s futures. Especially if you find some rich clients. Pick where you want to be, and start designing those new business cards. Your spirit is longing for freedom for the past. That’s probably why you feel exhausted. It’s your time to shine and start smiling for real.
Thank you for sharing this. I am so glad you entrusted us with your truth. You deserve everything you and your little one could ever need, want or desire. Everything. So much love to you Sheri. Please let me know however I can be of help. You are a beautiful human who has survived so much and deserves so much more…. Love and so many hugs my friend.
I hate it that you’re hurting. You have brought me such encouragement and inspiration. Here’s a hug from afar. You are not alone – the Refashionista Nation is behind you and will help in strange, creative, and unexpected ways.
Your site has always been a draw, exuding so much talent, so much determination for every project you take on, sprinkled with humour in the every day…we’ve loved being part of your bright, smiley, online life. Now we’re moved by this incredibly vulnerable side of you, sharing the hurt and rawness and the huge, HUGE hurdles you have already overcome. We all wear a mask at times, behind which we hide our hurt and secrets and fears of rejection, and it takes a lot of courage to reveal the truth. Your words today have touched us deeply, you are not alone, more than one virtual hug is heading your way. You are bravely calling for help, but in the process you are helping others to find their bravery, too. Sending you love from Canada.
Know you have the strength to do what you need to do! You and ur sweet baby will be WELL. Hugs
I am far away and an old crone with daughters your age. I have been where you are right now as have two of my daughters… If you want to come to Oregon, we can provide a very supportive group for you. But about 50 years ago, I had the opportunity to move to London to stay with a friend. That is the one move I regret not doing… you can starve in one place or another…. I would go to Italy… and check it out. It’s closer. And kudos for sharing and reaching out… I know from experience THAT is the bravest thing!!!! Major hugs your way!!!!
Oh Sheri … I know it seems impossible right now. I was in the same place 10 years ago. If you had said to me I would escape emotional (but very subtle) abuse and the immense stress I was under, I would have laughed bitterly. I honestly thought I would go under. But here I am, 10 years after I left my ex, living in Spain. My life is so much richer now and I feel I am finally the person I always knew I was. Abusers depend on convincing you that you have nowhere else to go and no support. Reach out and make those contacts. One of them may come through. Look for women’s groups, counselling in English, consular support … anything.
It takes a strong person to ask for help — it sounds like this is a good start to that. You’ll be amazed at the support you can get when you make yourself vulnerable and ask for those around you to be there for you during tough times. They can’t do it for you, but find someone who will kick you in the ass and not enable you, but still give you the hugs and chats and everything you need right now.
But you’re not broken. I used to call myself that, and my husband (and our counsellor) kicked me each time I did. I’m not broken. I’m not something that needs to be “fixed” and neither are you. Improvements, always, but never a need to “fix.”
With everything you’ve been through, you have the strength there. It’s a matter of tapping into it. And it’s important to look at your daughter — what kind of an example would you like to be for her? How can you teach her to be just as strong as you have been through various ups and downs?
Do it!! 🙂 Do what you need to do in order to look after you and your girl.
Sheri
I can’t pretend to know what you’re going through.You survived an awful start in life and brought a beautiful child into the world. Every week we see you take something ugly, broken and hopeless-looking, and use your amazing energy, creativity, and optimism to give it a fresh start, transforming it into something happy and joyful! You are strong!!
Shari, you are so brave to bare your personal struggles like this. I will say that way back when you were so excited about departing Germany-and then you ended up there again-I was worried. It seemed sudden, unexpected-and I wondered if your “smiles” at that point were real. A huge part of contentment is being in a living space where you feel comfortable-even the cheeriest person will get down living in an awful place-never mind going through what you have experienced in addition to that. I say MOVE-take your daughter and accept your Italian friend’s suggestion. Go where people are friendly (I lived in Italy for almost a year and they are) and where there’s some sun! And I will also say-children recognize when their parents are not getting along-they are smart-rescue her from that environment.
You can do this! I say that because I too have been through and am on the other side. It isn’t easy but it is worth it and sometimes I still slip into old ways of thinking but it really does get better. The first thing I recommend is finding yourself a good support system. Surround yourself with people that you want to be like, avoid hiding at all costs. Hiding is dangerous because the more we withdraw the less we realize how far we are slipping into the dark abyss. Please reach out if you ever need to talk. I promise, no judgement from me.
if you can beat cancer, cut off those who took your childhood, and survive an eating disorder, you are strong enough to move forward now. my daughter hid the abuse in her 8 year marriage because she was embarrassed and ashamed and angry. it was not her fault. it is not your fault. i spent almost 6 months holding her while she wept. i’d do it for you if i were closer. Italy sounds really good–there’s a friend there willing to help. you’ve taken this brave step. now take another. do it quickly before you lose your nerve. you have the courage. just do it. prayers for you and Munchkin.
Thank you so much for your honesty and candor. That is not an easy thing to do. You can make the changes you need. You are so much stronger than you realize. Sending you love and positivity from Florida!
Sending positive vibes to you. Call on your friends to support you and find your way to a healthier life for you and your daughter. Sending all the good vibes and positive thoughts that your true friends answer and give you the support, encouragement, and physical help you need now.
WOW. I share at least part of what you have been through. You are an incredible person, never let anyone tell you otherwise. It might be time to research and find assistance, both where you are and here in the U.S. It may include starting over from near nothing, but it will be worth it to you and your daughter. She doesn’t need to be exposed to the evil, because that’s what causes the cycle to repeat itself in the next generation. Even if all you can save is enough to come back to the states or go to another country, please get out of there. You have taken the first step, asking for help, that’s the most important step of all. I wish you well.
Sheri you know what I think of all your situation. Try to come here: Italy isn’t a rich country like Germany, but -fortunately-people are much more kindly! If you come to visit us this summer, you’ll have to figure out if you will also find work here! We will support you.
Xoxoxo, Anna
I was in an abusive marriage for almost 10 years. We had two boys together. I never thought I could make it on my own and had just resigned myself to the fact that I would have to stay until my youngest turned 18. They were 3 and 5 at the time. Then something wonderful happened…he left me for a 19 year old (he was 40). I was forced to take care of them on my own…and I did it!!! I swallowed my pride and used the welfare system that I had paid into since I started working at age 16. The resources are out there for you and your daughter. You got this!!!! FYI: I’m a huge believer in Karma…my ex-husband died at age 47 of lung cancer. No tears were shed…
Darlene
I greatly enjoy your blog, you have been a bright and positive spot in my day. Thank you for being brave enough to share what is going on in your world. I am sending positive thoughts and warm hugs. If you would like a listening ear I am open.
Sheri, there is much love waiting for you out in the world. please grab your sweet munchkin and take that leap of faith and walk away. the world will catch you. You can finally start the life you deserve. Today. We are all on your side and sending love.
I’m praying for you, for comfort, peace, and a favourable change in your circumstances. Please know that you are never alone.
I am touched and hope you are able to find courage daily to continue the battles and find strength and encouragement. Your creativity will be a resource for you in this time of sorting out the issues that you’re dealing with every day. Maybe this is a step toward recovery….sending wishes for goodness to you and your daughter.
Behind your smile you have the courage of a warrior and are an inspiration. Behind your smile you are real, with all the scars, bandages, and aches that life doles out. Behind your smile you are tireless and passionate about the quality of life of others when your own leaves so much to be desired. Accept the hugs and thanks from a stranger and know that who/what you are matter deeply. thank you
Oh Sheri. This is so touching. Please Email me any time if you need to offload. I just want to squeeze you. I can certainly relate to a small part of this xxxxx